Dramatic Pause

For those of you who have been keeping up, our Tribe is one week away from being 6 months into "unemployment."

Six months! Half a year! Two trimesters of a pregnancy (hey, I speak in terms of what I know!).

Our life seems in many respects to be in pause mode. Not making any major decisions, moves or plans, but instead just...waiting. Not getting too involved in any new ventures, ministries or relationships, just...waiting. Cautious about every purchase and decision because we are...waiting. Kind of like a bumblebee, I hover.

So some days my general attitude is...

Dear God, it's me the Queen Mother.
I'm sure you are aware, but I just wanted to re-emphasize the fact
that I am a horrible "wait-er."
I'm not good at being still. I don't like quiet. I enjoy some level of busy frenzy.
And as You Yourselves know, I can't stand it when Mr. Wonderful doesn't converse with me. Those times when I need to verbally process what is going on and he really just has nothing to contribute, I hate that.
And well to be perfectly honest, I am not a big fan of when You do that either.
So even if nothing is changing immediately,
it would be great if You could just give me an idea of when it might change.
Do not get me wrong, You are an amazing provider.
Every day, week, month that rolls by You show up and show off in the most amazing ways. And we are truly grateful.
But I just have one childish question to ask, "Are we there yet?"

I am completely aware that this not an attitude that will win me any admiration from anyone with any marked maturity. But there are days when it is what it is.

Life is awkward right now. There is no scope beyond today.
Which I suppose is really the point.

So, if I can learn to make the most of the present not worrying about what I will do tomorrow, I will have accomplished something truly great, because it is so ingrained in my nature to "need" to know what my 5 day, 5 week, 5 month, 5 year outlook is. And I base so many decisions on what I know.

But right now I know nothing, which places me in a state of absolute dependence on God and His provision and His direction.

The problem is, I am not practiced in the discipline of "listen and follow." I am really good at "access the situation and make your plans." Great at "keep trying new things and surely something will work." But being still and listening for the voice saying "this is the way, go in it," I am not a champ.

But tough times are supposed to be times of growth. And as I said when we embarked (albeit involuntarily) on this "journey," I don't want to come out of it unchanged.

So that buzzing in your ears...that's me...hovering. Please don't swat.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Ok. The kids and Mr. Wonderful are all asleep and the house is relatively quiet. Should be the perfect time to blog, right?

Should be.

However, my best blogging thoughts usually surface in the middle of the day when I am right in the middle of something really...immediate, like negotiating the "he-won't-get-out-of-my-room" peace talks or handling toddler-mealtime-strikes which yeild a pretty narrow and yet hard-core list of demands.

So by the time what is left of me gets to the time that is left, there is nothing left in me that makes any sense whatsoever. That is, if there is anything left in me at all.

But like a kid at a pet store, I can't resist tapping on the glass and seeing if you turn around and respond. It is just so darned fascinating to me that you can make connections with people you may never meet. And that people who have to listen to you all the time, might still be interested in what is on your mind.

It may not be my best material. But until Daddy's Girl gets her own house or Little Prince learns to eat whatever is set down in front of him without meltdown, it's the best I've got to offer. Thanks for turning around.

To everything, turn...turn...turn...

Ok, things really were going smoothly.

Then Mr. Wonderful went on what began as a two-day work trip.

It actually began before that, but for the sake of time, and my reputation, we will just start there.

Mr. Wonderful has been picking up some side-work during this wonderfully "refining" time of unemployment. It has been great as it is in athletics (which he loves), it gets him out of the house (which let's face it, we both love sometimes), and heck! it pays.

So as I mentioned, he left town on a Friday morning and was supposed to be home some time in the wee hours between Saturday night and Sunday morning. He would be taking our one car, because, although he is Mr. Wonderful, he cannot fly. This would leave me at home hundreds of miles away, with three kids, without a car. Which is normally no big deal, until...
he was offered a chance to work again Sunday and Monday in another town.

Not that big a deal on the surface, but I had a house of cards very carefully stacked and it was all about to come (dramatic pause) crashing (another dramatic pause) down.

A very dear sistah was having twins Sunday morning and I was asked to video. Not that I wasn't replaceable, but I had waited seven months for this very blessed event and was not at all happy that I might miss it. I mean! And Monday morning, I was supposed to facilitate a Bible study, our last meeting in a series, and I had harped on how important it was that we be there every week. How the heck was I going to swing all this? (Remember no car...no carseats...nada.)

So I began in panic to make arrangements that seemed to rival the comings and goings most major airlines. Ok, you can arrive at 6:15 am and keep the kids and is it ok if I borrow your car to drive to the hospital and I promise I will be home by 9 am so you can be at the church for childcare in time. And, next self-sacrificing friend, if you could be here at 9 am on Monday and bring your precious toddler for playtime with mine (i.e., keep my kids and your kid at my house) then I can arrange for someone to pick me up so that I can get to Bible study. And I promise to bring lunch (bribe, bribe).

In the meantime, I had spent some time making a sweet 16 cake twice!, was fighting off a sore throat (I was NOT going to miss seeing those babies born!), and was just in general a sleep-deprived beast! All of this while picturing my husband in a quiet hotel room alone, fixing no one's dinner, sleeping as late as he pleased and enjoying his favorite diversion-sports, for FOUR days!

I think I have painted the picture pretty clearly. It would be gracious to say that my attitude was a little less than pretty. In fact, Daddy's Girl will be the first to tell you that Saturday was one of the worst days ever!

After dancing along these past 5 months since "The Event," I hit a brick wall AND fell in the pit!

So I am slowly emerging out of my own handmade disaster area and realizing several things:

1. I am not perfect. Never have been. Never will be on this earth. I have worked very hard at it for thirty-something years and am calling it a day. I think I will just let Jesus handle it on His own.

2. I am going to cut myself some slack and stop thinking that I alone hold the key to everyone in my life's happiness and success. Sometimes, I just can't pull it off. I can't do it all. And that is...ok. No one really expected me to anyway.

3. I am going to have some honest emotions and quit trying to suppress everything. (Ok, that one may take some work.)

There are a few other things that I am not sure have sunk in, but for now, I said that I didn't want to come out of this "journey" that the Tribe & I have been on unchanged. Maybe this is part of that. We shall see.