Sunday, March 27, 2011

Dramatic Pause




For those of you who have been keeping up, our Tribe is one week away from being 6 months into "unemployment."

Six months! Half a year! Two trimesters of a pregnancy (hey, I speak in terms of what I know!).

Our life seems in many respects to be in pause mode. Not making any major decisions, moves or plans, but instead just...waiting. Not getting too involved in any new ventures, ministries or relationships, just...waiting. Cautious about every purchase and decision because we are...waiting. Kind of like a bumblebee, I hover.

So some days my general attitude is...

Dear God, it's me the Queen Mother.

I'm sure you are aware, but I just wanted to re-emphasize the fact
that I am a horrible "wait-er."

I'm not good at being still. I don't like quiet. I enjoy some level of busy frenzy.
And as You Yourselves know, I can't stand it when Mr. Wonderful doesn't converse with me. Those times when I need to verbally process what is going on and he really just has nothing to contribute, I hate that.
And well to be perfectly honest, I am not a big fan of when You do that either.
So even if nothing is changing immediately,
it would be great if You could just give me an idea of when it might change.
Do not get me wrong, You are an amazing provider.
Every day, week, month that rolls by You show up and show off in the most amazing ways. And we are truly grateful.
But I just have one childish question to ask, "Are we there yet?"


I am completely aware that this not an attitude that will win me any admiration from anyone with any marked maturity. But there are days when it is what it is.

Life is awkward right now. There is no scope beyond today.
Which I suppose is really the point.

So, if I can learn to make the most of the present not worrying about what I will do tomorrow, I will have accomplished something truly great, because it is so ingrained in my nature to "need" to know what my 5 day, 5 week, 5 month, 5 year outlook is. And I base so many decisions on what I know.

But right now I know nothing, which places me in a state of absolute dependence on God and His provision and His direction.

The problem is, I am not practiced in the discipline of "listen and follow." I am really good at "access the situation and make your plans." Great at "keep trying new things and surely something will work." But being still and listening for the voice saying "this is the way, go in it," I am not a champ.

But tough times are supposed to be times of growth. And as I said when we embarked (albeit involuntarily) on this "journey," I don't want to come out of it unchanged.

So that buzzing in your ears...that's me...hovering. Please don't swat.


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